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出国申请的文书写不下去的时候咋办( 五 )


下面是文书中的两段描述：
BecauseIwanttounderstandmoreaboutthisindustryandthetypeofdailywork,Idecidedtolookforaninternshipopportunity.Finally,IgotaninternshipjobatSogouInc.,(我想要，我得到了。在日常交谈中可以这么谈，在正式文书中是废话)oneofthelargestsearchenginecompaniesinChinaduringthesummerof2017.Itwasafantasticandvaluableexperienceformetoworkwithmachinelearningtechniques.Intheinternship,myjobinvolvedlarge-scaleshorttextclusteringandclassificationinthefieldofinformationretrievalandnaturallanguageprocess.Throughthosetasks,IhadlearnedhowtouseHadooptoprocessmassiveamountsofquerydataandhowtoimplementlinearSVMandNaiveBayesClassifierinC++programminglanguageforthequeryclassification,andhowtousecommunitydetectionalgorithmstoclusterqueries.Iwassoexcitedtolearnthenewknowledgeandskilleverydayduringtheinternshiptimejustlikefamoussaying“TapDancingtoWork!”.ThisexperienceconvincedmethatIshouldconsidermycareerseriouslyinthisindustry.之前说的是扩宽能力池，现在变成进军数据行业了
Evenmylabresearchworkwasintensive;Istillusedmysparetimetoparticipateinawiderangeofactivitiesinvolvedindatascience.Lastyear,IattendedthePyDataConferenceatNewYorkCitytolisten(加to)andtalkedwithattendeesaboutthosefascinatingseminars.Thetopicsrangedfromusingtextminingofpatient’selectronichealthrecordsfortheircancerdiagnosistobuildingpredictionmachinetoanalyzeandforecastconsumer’senergyconsumptionbehavior.Ienjoyedthesociety\u0026#39;sopenness(？翻前边用词不当的笔记)andtheirenthusiasmfordataandprogramming.
大家想，PS中的名词基本是事实主体，是既定的，写作时需要处理的基本是形容词、动词，而这两种词性就是大家在备考英语考试时需要集中准备高级替换词的。形容词的使用，可以使表述更为简洁，一个妙词能顶一句话。动词主要是渲染情境和氛围。
申请人本身研究和工作经历很丰富，学术水平很高，这几个口语化用词一下子把论文式的分享拉到楼下唠家常的层次了。很多找来做文书润色的学生，诉求点就是增加书面度，毕竟我们的英语教育并不重视正式文书的写作，我现在能想起来的就是写议论文论证自己观点，还都是老生常谈的话题，这些惯性思维来到文书写作又是致命一击。
修改后：
Togainfirst-handinformationonindustrialoperations,inthesummerof2017IinternedatSogouInc.Myjobinvolvedlarge-scaleshorttextclusteringandclassificationinthefieldofinformationretrievalandnaturallanguageprocess.Throughthosetasks,IlearnedhowtouseHadooptoprocessmassiveamountsofquerydata,howtoimplementlinearSVMandNaiveBayesClassifierinC++programminglanguageforthequeryclassification,andhowtousecommunitydetectionalgorithmstoclusterqueries.ThethrillandsatisfactionofcontinuouspersonalimprovementfueledmydailyimageoftheactualTapDancingtoWork!Ambitionsaccruedwiththeclearervision,thatImustbeengrossedinthisindustry.
Inadditiontoroutineacademicactivities,Ialsoparticipatedinawiderangeofdatascienceevents.Lastyear,IattendedthePyDataConference,topicsofwhichrangedfromusingtextminingofpatient’selectronichealthrecordsfortheircancerdiagnosistobuildingpredictionmachinetoanalyzeandforecastconsumer’senergyconsumptionbehavior.Irespecttheresearchers’passionfordataprogramming,andaspiretocontributeaversetothepoem.
第一段去掉不必要的论述，只保留事实主干，挖掘主要细节，在描述个人感想时更新了词汇。第二段原本提到与参会者的互动，我询问学生发现他已经不记得具体聊了些什么，也想不到什么话题好补充，那么这个碎片事实就没有意义了，修改时拿掉。通过增加定语从句的使用，使论述更加紧凑。
PS要新，要有个性，同时要有深度。简洁的文章一般给人一种很专业的感觉，这一点大家可以针对性勤加练习。
PS误区五：不会包装自己
打个有年代感的比方，文书发挥最大效用的时刻，就像是兑了水的二锅头包装成一百八一杯的宫廷玉液酒，不仅卖出去了，客官还要回头说好。当然这里不是说有意蒙蔽目标学校，而是大家要学习这种思路，去打造自己的形象，毕竟招生官只是从我们提交的纸面材料上去了解学生。
有位本科是重点名校（听校名会WOW的那种）物理专业的学生，在大学开始之后认为课程难度大，且不是自己真心喜欢的，因此一度人与绩点一起低迷。大三时偶然接触到人力资源管理领域的内容非常感兴趣，人高兴起来了，连带着学习也有劲儿了，绩点噌一下就上来了（这可是物理专业啊……），现在想申请康奈尔大学的人力资源管理专业。
这是原稿前两段：
I’dalwaysbeenasupportiveperson,butI’dneverconsideredintegratingmycaringnaturewithmycareeruntilmyjunioryearofcollege.Itdidn’ttakemelongtofindthatacareerinphysicscouldn’tignitemypassion.Afterattendingtoavarietyoflecturesandworkinginasecuritiesfirm,IwasstillsearchingfortheareathatIfeltexcitedabout.ThenItookaHRinternshipandwasquicklyappealedbytheuniqueroleHRdepartmentplayedinacompany.InvolvedintherecruitmentfordifferentdepartmentsmademerealizethatHRscreatedvaluesbysupportingotherdepartments,andsupportingothersalwayssatisfiedme.MysecondHRinternshipconfirmedmyaspirationtopursueacareerinHR.Inconductingcomparativeanalyses,Iwasdrawnbythecomplextradeoffsincompensation.Factorslikethecomparativeratio,thecompensationdifferenceamongdepartments,theratioofbasesalary,allowancesandincentiveswereallinterestingtothinkabout.

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